"If the fundamental act of this endeavor, generating a funny thought to share with others, wasn’t providing me any enjoyment or satisfaction at the most basic level, then the entire enterprise wasn’t worth it anymore."
This whole essay describes the emotions I felt after trying to "learn to code" after a year, and giving it up. A mix of regret that I didn't achieve what I set out to achieve, that lingering feeling of maybe I didn't have enough grit or try hard enough. But also relief. Relief that I can move on from a struggle that didn't bear much fruit.
What I was ultimately seeking was agency. Now that I've moved on I've come to realize that coding wouldn't have brought me much anyway.
Nice post, Peter. Thank you for sharing your struggles and your failures; you come across as quite sincere, and it is refreshing. Perhaps you will have more success as a writer.
Your post reminds me of the great pessimistic philosopher Emil Cioran, who "knew how to appreciate a worthwhile case of failure, how to observe its unfolding and savor its complexity. For failure is irreducibly unique: successful people always manage to look the same, but those who fail fail so differently. Each case of failure has a physiognomy and a beauty all of its own, and it takes a subtle connoisseur like Cioran to tell a seemingly banal but in fact great failure from a noisy yet mediocre one.” And: “[Cioran] can measure, for example, the depth of someone’s inner life by the way they approach failure: 'This is how we recognize the man who has tendencies toward an inner quest: he will set failure above any success.' How so? Because failure, Cioran thinks, is 'always essential, reveals us to ourselves, permits us to see ourselves as God sees us, whereas success distances us from what is most inward in ourselves and indeed in everything.' Show me how you deal with failure, and I will tell you more about yourself. Only 'in failure, in the greatness of a catastrophe, can you know someone.'" From: https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/philosopher-failure-emil-ciorans-heights-despair/
Thank you for reading. I'm certainly enjoying the writing life more. For one, my identity isn't fully wrapped up in it. The stakes are lower, and that ultimately makes it more fun and satisfying.
"If the fundamental act of this endeavor, generating a funny thought to share with others, wasn’t providing me any enjoyment or satisfaction at the most basic level, then the entire enterprise wasn’t worth it anymore."
This whole essay describes the emotions I felt after trying to "learn to code" after a year, and giving it up. A mix of regret that I didn't achieve what I set out to achieve, that lingering feeling of maybe I didn't have enough grit or try hard enough. But also relief. Relief that I can move on from a struggle that didn't bear much fruit.
What I was ultimately seeking was agency. Now that I've moved on I've come to realize that coding wouldn't have brought me much anyway.
Thanks for reading, I'm glad that it resonated. Happy to hear you found some relief.
Nice post, Peter. Thank you for sharing your struggles and your failures; you come across as quite sincere, and it is refreshing. Perhaps you will have more success as a writer.
Your post reminds me of the great pessimistic philosopher Emil Cioran, who "knew how to appreciate a worthwhile case of failure, how to observe its unfolding and savor its complexity. For failure is irreducibly unique: successful people always manage to look the same, but those who fail fail so differently. Each case of failure has a physiognomy and a beauty all of its own, and it takes a subtle connoisseur like Cioran to tell a seemingly banal but in fact great failure from a noisy yet mediocre one.” And: “[Cioran] can measure, for example, the depth of someone’s inner life by the way they approach failure: 'This is how we recognize the man who has tendencies toward an inner quest: he will set failure above any success.' How so? Because failure, Cioran thinks, is 'always essential, reveals us to ourselves, permits us to see ourselves as God sees us, whereas success distances us from what is most inward in ourselves and indeed in everything.' Show me how you deal with failure, and I will tell you more about yourself. Only 'in failure, in the greatness of a catastrophe, can you know someone.'" From: https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/philosopher-failure-emil-ciorans-heights-despair/
Thank you for reading. I'm certainly enjoying the writing life more. For one, my identity isn't fully wrapped up in it. The stakes are lower, and that ultimately makes it more fun and satisfying.
This made me happy
Glad to hear that, thanks for reading!
I don’t believe those years have been wasted - you write very beautifully and I’m sure that there is much that is positive ahead of you.
Thanks for the kind words. Yeah I don’t see it as wasted time either. There’s definitely a lot I picked up that pays dividends now in my normal life.